Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
