Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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