I didn't shave. On purpose
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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