the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
