the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I will pee on everything he values.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
