I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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