I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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