Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize