I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
