i think my mom watched the whole time
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
