he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Randomize
