True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
