my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
