as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
