Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
