If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Mom said you looked used
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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