I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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