I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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