Yo dont text me then not text me
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
a search helicopter?!
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I love you. Go after that dick
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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