So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
