Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
