sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize