The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
