I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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