when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
