Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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