I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
