when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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