I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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