i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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