He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
