you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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