i think i recognize dicks better than faces
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
