Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
