In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
