I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
