I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
