I think I died a long time ago.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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