I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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