The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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