she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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