Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
