When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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