He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Quick, to the slutcave!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
