Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
