I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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