from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
