dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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