Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
