he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
