Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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