i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
