Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I need water and some morals
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
