yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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